My New Years Resolutions- aka, Stop Being an Idiot and Act Like an Adult Sometimes List.

My New Years Resolutions- aka, Stop Being an Idiot and Act Like an Adult Sometimes List.

Let's face it, I'm not exactly a model adult. I eat ice cream for dinner at pretty much every opportunity, I will waste money on things I deem important (like gummy bears and eyeliner), and I will do everything in my power to avoid going outside if I just don't feel like taking a shower.

I am that guy, seriously.

Like I said before, I have issues with anxiety and I ride the edge of depression about 50% of the time so sometimes normal things that every normal functioning adult can do feels like I'm pulling my skin off.

Whatever, it happens.

And really the only thing holding me down IS the anxiety, because let's face it- anxiety is a thing that everyone has at least a little of and it basically is the adult in your body telling you not to do things.

Like when I'm on that 3rd day without a shower and I try to justify it like, "I'm not going anywhere and I'm not seeing anyone, so I'll just take it tonight before I go to bed."

Then my anxiety starts up. I'm pretty sure if it had a voice it'd be like this old grandmother who's been hardened by life and maybe smokes a pack a day. 

"People are going to think you're disgusting."

"Well no one's here but Roger."

"You don't think that ass-hat hasn't figured out how disgusting you are."

"..."

But sometimes the anxiety starts to wear down and the depression starts to float a little too freely and what happens is there's a place of numbness. Where even though that old grandma voice is talking, it sounds more like the parents in a Charlie Brown movie. 

Wahh wahh wahhhhhh.

So the other day I was sitting there and suddenly I didn't feel anxiety, and not even depression was floating around. I had gone past that.

What I felt was shame.

And it didn't really go away.

I just kept wandering around the house waiting for a part of me to tell me what to do, but instead the feeling of being shamed hung on my back like a monkey.

And if there's anything that's ever motivated me in my entire life, it's shame.

Because think about it- what did that 4th grade version of you think you were going to be like in your 20's? 

4th grade Samantha thought that we were going to be a flight attendant, and we were going to travel the world and come home to our awesome husband, and we were going to have our shit together.

Sweet Jesus, just thinking about my younger and generally more enlightened self bums me out.

So when I really got down to it, I knew that the changes I had to make were minor. I know that the career I chose is right for me, the house I'm in is perfect, and I love my boyfriend to death. It's just the idea that all I would be known for is hairdressing that bums me out. I'm a capable adult and I have a lot of time on my hands. I know it won't be hard. It's just that I know the first steps are going to be the most torturous thing I've ever done.

So without further a do, here's my list and you can use it too, if you want:

1. I'm not going to beat myself up over dumb things. Changes are hard and eventually you will fall, but it's not a big deal. It just isn't.

2. I'm going to start running. I know it sucks, but it clears my head and keeps me tired. Plus it's free, and you have an excuse to wear adorable work out clothes and listen to cool running mixes on your ipod.

3. I'm going to ride horses again. In exchange for a stupid exercise regime you're going to dread for awhile, do one you'll actually like.

4. I'm going back to the shooting range and I'm getting my hunters license. Yeah I know, you're probably like, "Sweet Jesus, she shoots guns?!" and then you touch your pearls and scornfully look at me. Yes, I shoot guns. I used to do it and I miss it and it was fun. I was licensed by the way, I'm not just like, shooting in the open air like some heathen. 

5. Even though it sucks being an adult, I'm just going to do my best. You're not going to leave a mountain of dishes in the sink and sleep on a pile of clean clothes. Despite Roger's very sweet nature, we know he's getting tired of your shit and you should probably do something about it.

6. Read all those books I've been wanting to read but never did because who knows why. You're going to read that book about Walt Disney that they train cast members on. You're going to read that book about the escort that charges $2,000 an hour. You're also going to read that book about authentic vintage hairstyles and you're going to try and do them- even if you suck at authentic finger waves.

7. State Board is coming, and I'm going to rock it. You've been studying for days and frankly, you can't afford to fail it. 

8. Sometime this year, I'm going to save up and buy that ipad I want. You've always been pretty shitty about saving money for things and you usually end up blowing it on the Naked palettes and sushi, but you can do this. You've already got $400, you're literally over halfway there for the fancy one you like. Your birthday is coming up, and you're selling some furniture. You are literally on 3rd base waiting to run home. How bad-ass are you going to feel buying yourself something awesome? Because you're a fucking professional and you need it for work.

9. I'm going to grow out my hair again. The short hair was a fun ride, but lets face it- you love sassy ponytails and princess buns. Stop trying to cut it- just let Stephanie fix it as it grows out. She'll get you there, just stop being dumb and let it grow. By the way, stop forgetting to buy biotin. 

10. Go back to doing things that you loved. You used to love waterskiing and volunteering at the animal shelter. You officially have all the time in the world and no more excuses to use. Just do it, you'll be happier in the long run.

Hope I stick to this in the next year, and if not someone should hold me accountable. Remember, nothing motivates quite like shame.

-SamanthaK