I Bounce Back... Strong.

I Bounce Back... Strong.

I've been working a lot lately. 

Most people at know I'm kind of a workaholic despite how tired/slow I come across at school. Between my "normal people" job, taking care of my house, and my school schedule (I'm in phase 2 as well), I'm already running a little ragged. Then add the fact that I have to find a new place to live by September... Then add the extra curriculars I got asked to do at school.

Yeah, it's a little rough.

So the night when I had a minor run in with another person at one of those extras was when I suddenly felt my boat tipping. I'm usually very good at keeping myself in check- especially my self-esteem, but things had been bubbling under the surface for a long time and it was due time it boiled over.

To keep that story short, it was another girl passing off her job on me and then sat behind my shoulder and insisted on micro managing me. She kept picking on me, and picking on my model. It was a nightmare. In the real world I would have fired her, but this is a girl I have to see most days. I should have been braver and told her to leave me be, or to stop making my model uncomfortable- but I chickened out.

Which of course ate at me.

If I wasn't strong enough to tell this girl that I was the professional and she needed to step back, how was I supposed to lead a team, ever?

 I told Stephanie what happened.

"She was... she was mean to me," I said, completely aware I sounded like a child.

But my friend was right, this girl was insecure and didn't know what to do, so she found the person in the room she knew could handle anything- which was me. She just felt the need to micro-manage so she felt like she did something.

Stephanie spent awhile trying to make me feel better. I still maintain she was blowing hot air up my skirt, but at least at the end of the conversation I wasn't crying.

I didn't feel immediately better, but I felt pacified.

But things were spinning out of control and I was slowly starting to slack in school. My anxiety was running rampant and insisting that everyone knew I was a fraud. I thought my clients could see right through the charade I was playing- this confidence I was trying to push, this smile on my face that was hard enough to feel like my face was ripping apart. I made 10% shifts at school but they weren't lasting by the time I got home.

 I spent a few evenings plastered to the TV with ice cream just trying to have an evening that didn't end with my pouring over ads for houses I couldn't afford, or falling asleep on top of my school books studying for tests I was barely passing.

I got a text one morning I was feeling ok, but still numb from Stephanie, "Hey, how're you feeling?"

"Better. I'm ok."

"Good... can you be at school early today? Before pow-wow?"

"Yeah of course."

I've never showered and threw myself together so quickly. I ended up being at school 20 minutes early.

"Thank you for being early," was all she said.

"Um. Ok."

And that was the end of that for awhile. I went to go find my friends and maybe 10 minutes later Stephanie came to find me.

"I need to talk to you for a minute."

Anyone who's been kicked out of Phase 2 knows this dreaded phrase. I felt my stomach fall through my butt.

"Ok."

It was made worse when she lead me, not to her office, but to D'Ann's office (my school's owner). I couldn't look at her when we slowly climbed the stairs.

"Just tell me if this is going to be bad," I begged, thinking my friend would spare me some humiliation. Maybe if I knew it was bad, I could will myself not to cry.

"No, it's a good thing for you, I promise."

"I don't like this at all."

Stephanie had the audacity to laugh as we came into the office and D'Ann was posed with a serious look on her face. Never in my life have I felt the need to throw up so badly. We sat down and there was a long pause. The room became unbearably hot and I was writhing in my chair.

I don't even know exactly what she said. It was a lot of name dropping and so and so calling so and so, but the story ended with the question, "Do you want to assist on So You Think You Can Dance?"

I'm pretty sure there was at least a full minute of pause where I was really confused.

Stephanie looked at me like I was a spaz, "We wanted to ask you because you're a visionary and we know that this is something you're serious about."

I'm pretty sure there was another pause before I became overcome with word-vomit like, "ohmygodyesabsolutelyIneedtogohomeandpackohnomymakeupkitisembarrassing."

They laughed at me (of course they would, who wouldn't). Stephanie and I went down the stairs after, with her telling me not to tell anyone right away.

I promised just as Stephanie went to grab my friend Erica, saying, "I need to talk to you real quick before class starts."

I watched Erica look at me with panic as she ascended the stairs, and I walked away laughing.


Sometimes it's important to play strong. Sometimes it's important to make 10% shifts. Sometimes those shifts feel like you've done nothing... but sometimes, people notice that dedication and reward it.

-SamanthaK