The Wedding Series: The Beginning

The Wedding Series: The Beginning

So it's finally happening. The wedding planning is in full swing and things are starting to come together.

(Finally.)

(Sort of.)

(Not really, but yes.)

So one of my friends and readers Rachel, (hi Rachel!) immediately upon the news of the engagement was like, "You need to write blog posts about the wedding planning".

And I won't lie, part of me was terrified because telling you guys what to do about your hair or makeup is one thing and it's another sharing intimate details about how shitty I am about planning things.

The other part of me was like, this is going to be ridiculous and hilarious.

BUT I'M NOTHING IF NOT PAINFULLY HONEST AND HILARIOUSLY SELF-DEPRECATING.

So here we go.

Let's make this post our baseline, and lets talk about the general logistics of wedding.

I think step one is to bust out the pinterest board you've been making about your wedding. (Do not lie to me and say you don't have one. We all do, married or not, boyfriend or not. It's just what we do as crazy people.)

And I think the main thing to look at when you're viewing this board is the common threads and factors.

For example:

My board is full of intimate settings, good lighting, and not a whole lot of formality.

And as for the dress, I'm a little bit across the board but I did notice a small grouping of a similar, soft dress that still had a modest feel. 

I think step two really comes down to this distinct question:

What about your wedding is the most important to you?

For some couples it's food or the venue, for others it's creating and intimate feel and making the event "fun". Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes the wedding itself isn't as important as just being married.

Which is kind of where Roger and I landed.

We've been hmm-hawing over this wedding for a couple months now and slowly but surely the wedding we had originally intended had blown up in our faces.

Because, here's the deal. Here's what no one will tell you when you're a bride:

When you're planning a wedding, almost everyone around you becomes an asshole.

It's true. And I'm sorry. 

Your cousin that you once had a very sweet relationship with will be pissed that you didn't pick her as a bridesmaid, your husband or wives ex's will come out of the woodwork to call you all kinds of names, YOUR ex's will suddenly text you or call you to passively aggressively congratulate you, your aunties will be mad you're not doing a bigger wedding, your father will tell you you are doing TOO big of a wedding, your husband wants to invite his coworkers which takes your originally 40 person wedding up into the 80's.

And I don't think people try to be rude intentionally. Wedding planning is a bit of a minefield of feelings and you do your best not to step on too many toes. Everyone has ideas of what they think you should be doing or what you want and they will be wrong- horribly, painfully, wrong. 

So the wedding that Roger and I had put together at the start soon turned into a bit of a monster. There were suddenly a lot of flowers, and a dance floor, and chandeliers, and a Cinderella stage coach- and really all these things we thought we had to include because everyone was so insistent on it. 

But, here's our "dirty" secret. Roger and I are paying for this wedding, and when we finally did the tallies- it was almost a 100 person wedding with almost $7k of decor.

There was just no way. There wasn't. And it wasn't a matter of "we can't afford these things", it was "I didn't even want these things to begin with and now everyone's getting a fancy party at my expense?"

I gave myself an eye twitch and started to obsess about it to the point that Roger (bless his level-headed soul) finally had to stop me and say, "What do you really want?"

When it really came down to it, neither one of us cared about the wedding that much. There were things we'd like to have- games, good food, fun atmosphere, but when push came to shove we were more invested in our marriage together AFTER the wedding. 

Weddings have spiraled into a stress inducing, family splitting event in the last few decades. What was once a small ceremony and cake has turned into a $30k Frankenstein monster, and it gives brides a complex.

Am I doing enough? Am I pretty enough? Are people going to remember this day?

And that just isn't important. What's important is to exchange vows, and make a promise to another human being that MEANS something. It's not the wedding you remember, it's the beginning of your marriage.

Sometimes brides are afraid to put their foot down because they think they're being bride-zillas. 

And let me tell you right now, it is ok to ask for what you want. 

So we struck a compromise.

We were going back to the small, intimate party we had originally intended AND we are moving it to the backyard.

And I know you guys are like, "Are you serious right now?"

But here's the pro's to doing it old-school:

-The cost is significantly lower.

You're renting tables and chairs, and you're buying food. The end.

And honestly, any money you have left from the wedding is honeymoon money in my opinion.

-Family members will actually be able to help.

Many members of the family will offer an engaged couple their "help"- whether it's tying 50 bows onto chairs or setting up tables. Sometimes when we throw big weddings, a lot of things are included in the price we pay- set ups, clean ups, wedding favors, etc, and it leaves a lot of family feeling "left out" and they will begin to call the bride incessantly to "help with something" and instead drive her crazy.

Or maybe this is just my family, who knows.

But honestly, if they offer help- they really want to do it. They just want to feel like they aided you in the marriage one way or another. If they're crafty- maybe have them put together a photo booth, or if they are good cooks, maybe have them help you pick out a wedding cake. There's a role for everyone.

*Bridal tip: Don't exclude the groom's side. Sometimes they don't know you well enough to ask to help, but it's important to include them on something. They're going to be your family too and it's a good plan to get them in on the action. 

If your family is anything like my family- if you don't include them on the helping, they will be brats. Just sayin.

-Any work you put into the "venue" aka your house, you can reap the benefits on for years.

This was a main reason Roger and I wanted to move the party home. We can actually use the "wedding budget" on fixing up the house for our guests. And any lights or decor we buy, we can use again. The plan is lots of lights, lanterns on shepherds hooks, and really putting some time into the landscaping.

-Your wedding memories are your home memories.

Every picture you take will include your home. Every time you walk around your house, you'll remember exactly where you exchanged vows. 

Maybe I'm sentimental, but this particular "pro" gave me butterflies. Roger and I don't plan on moving and we're establishing roots here. How cool will it be to tell our kids how they're standing where we got married?

And for an alternate option:

When my aunt got married, she went to Hawaii with a very small group of family members and did the ceremony there- THEN came home and had the reception a few weeks later in her parent's backyard.

You could always elope or be married somewhere more private that has meaning to you both as a couple and then throw the party later. (This is an idea I'm still toying with. Can you do a wedding in Disneyland without getting busted? Anyone know? Anyone? Bueller?) 

So for the beginning of your wedding planning- look through your pinterest or magazines or whatever you kids use these days and figure out what your vibe is and then ask yourself what's the most important thing about a wedding to you. (The answer may surprise you).

Everything from there will just fall into place- even setting a date.

-SamanthaK